The start of a new year is a great time to inventory the relationships in your life and determine where you will be spending your time and energy over the next year.  Toxic relationships not only waste our time and energy, but also take time away from our healthy relationships.  There is some truth to the old cliché that the "squeaky wheel gets the oil".  We often spend most of our time maintaining the relationships that offer us the least because toxic people require so much energy from others.  Examples of toxic people are drama lovers, energy suckers, manipulators, negative people, liars, people who "stir the pot" and people who are disloyal or "back stabbers".

Examine each relationship you have and ask yourself the following questions:

• How do I feel when I am with this person?
• Are our values aligned?
• Do I enjoy time with this person?
• Do I trust this person?
• How does this person treat key people in their lives?
• Does this person lift me up or bring me down?

What do you do if you have identified a toxic person in your life?  Ask yourself if it is possible to eliminate the relationship entirely.  Many times, eliminating the relationship will not be an option because of the nature of the relationship.  For example, someone at work or a family member may not be able to be eliminated entirely.  But you can limit the amount of time and energy you give to these people simply by physically avoiding them or choosing not to participate in behaviors or conversations that make you unhappy or uncomfortable.  Adopt the "thanks for sharing" attitude with them and then move on.  Do not participate, respond or reply to the negative behaviors they display.  To do so would only encourage the behavior.

Never compromise who you are or your values to fit in or keep the waters still.  Always live within your integrity and part of that philosophy is surrounding yourself with a support system of people who hold the same types of values.  Not clones of you, but people who lift you up and that you trust.

One third to one half of women in America have been abused by their partner.  No one ever wants to see a loved one in any type of abusive relationship or to see them go down a dangerous road and most people can easily identify physically violent behaviors and evidence of physical violence.  Physical abuse is often the most easily identified.  What about emotional abuse or neglect within a relationship?  What are some of the signs of these less visible types of abuse?  Below are some of the signs you may look for if you suspect a loved one is being emotionally abused:

• Behavioral changes within the victim such as depression, anger, being guarded or emotional numbness
• The relationship moves at warp speed
• Changes in the appearance of the victim such as "letting themselves go" or fretting obsessively over their appearance
• The victim covers up for or protects their partner and their behavior
• The victim is prevented from going to work or school
• The victim's partner puts others down regularly
• Constant phone calls, emails, IMs and text messages
• The victim begins to be isolated from friends and family
• Victim's partner says, "all the right things"

Below is an ABUSER PROFILE (reprinted from Suite101.com):

• Pathologically jealous
• Blames other for their actions
• Says, "I love you" too much
• Breaks or throws objects
• Gives gifts as a way of apologizing
• Very protective of the victim
• Isolates the victim from family and friends
• Appears one way in front of others and another way in front of the victim
• Becomes quickly involved in the relationship
• Wants to see the victim all the time
• Always calls just to say hi
• Shows up at the victim's job too often
• Has low self-esteem
• Does not have many friends
• May have been abused themselves
• Wants to take care of the victim.
• Promises the victim the world
• Convinces the victim that he/she would be the best provider and parent of future children they may have.
• Tells the victim all they need is him/her in their lives
• Tells the victim that the two of them could conquer the world.
• Tells the victim that he/she cannot live without them.

How can you help someone in this situation?  Well, unfortunately, no matter how clearly others may see what's happening, not much can be done until the victim realizes it is happening and wants help.  Initially, when confronted with the suspicion that their partner may be an abuser, the victim will frequently become very protective of their partner and assume your concern is ridiculous or meddling.  Worse yet, they may lash out at you.  Relationship abuse is never the victim's fault.  Reinforce that with your friend.  They may be afraid to talk about it because they are afraid or embarrassed.

The best that can be done for someone in this situation is to let them know that you support and love them and will always be there for them.  And then be true to your word and support the victim when it is time for them to get out of the abusive relationship.  Listen non-judgmentally and enlist the help of a domestic abuse counselor who will be able to guide you in helping your friend.  If the victim fears for his or her life, many organizations exist to help individuals be safe in the transition out of the relationship.  For more information visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.ndvh.org/ or 800-799-SAFE

Domestic abuse and violence in NEVER okay.

The holidays are here and everyone knows that all of the "together time" can cause stress in our relationships.  Between discussions about where to spend the big dinner and how many presents to buy for your family, or his family, it can become overwhelming.  Inevitably, the holidays require compromise and it can be a bitter pill because tradition and holidays go hand in hand and a family tradition can be a tough thing let go.  Here are some ideas to make it a little easier.

• Decide what is MOST important to each of you.  Is there a way to incorporate both?
• Decide ahead of time where family time will be spent, make it as equal as it can be and let everyone know ahead of time.
• Remember this is difficult for your partner, too.
• Can you invent a new holiday tradition TOGETHER to bring you closer and make the season all yours?
• If tensions run high between families, make sure you and your partner have agreed ahead of time how you will handle the situation.
• Be sure you stick together because when January 2nd rolls around, it will be all about the two of you again.
• If all else fails, you can always plan a romantic Christmas away.

Work together and remember you are a team!  Nothing is important enough to jeopardize your relationship security or joy.  The holidays come every year and if this year is not perfect, you get to try again in twelve months.

Happy Holidays!

The perfect relationship does not exist, right?  Probably if your idea of perfect is getting along 100% of the time and agreeing on everything.  In most cases, couples state that they would be happier if they spent less time arguing and having petty disagreements.  Ironically, couples do little to eliminate the unnecessary conflict.  Whether it is pride, routine or stubbornness that keeps your relationship stuck, set all that aside for a moment.  Just like most everything worth having, relationship harmony takes effort and the ability to change your thinking.

• Make a choice to consciously praise your partner when he does something thoughtful for you.  Conversely, make a conscious choice to ignore petty mistakes.  In other words, if it is not that big of a deal, let it go!  And in most cases, it's just not that big of a deal.
• Make your partner number one.  Put her before everyone else.  Regularly let her know how important she is to you.
• Choose to love him unconditionally.  Love is not a weapon to be used in your relationship war games.  Let him know you love him no matter what.  Having that type of security in a relationship eliminates fear and doubt.
• Be completely faithful at all times in all things.  Not just in the sense that you are not cheating, but faithful to your partners hopes and ideals, as well. 
• Help your partner achieve his goals by celebrating even smallest victories.
• Never speak negatively about your partner to others.  No good can come of it.
• If you have concerns, share them with your partner before they escalate into anger and resentment.
• Be open and make harmony a priority.  You will be surprised how much a conscious decision to change just that one aspect will positively affect all areas of your relationship.
• Make an effort to be more respectful of your partner.  Make sure your manners are impeccable.
• Ask yourself, how important is it for me to "be right"?

After just one year, I realized we had gotten stuck in a treadmill of a routine--already!  Even though we swore it would never happen to us, it did.  Each day, though happy, closely resembled the last.  We had fallen into the routine of weekend-only sex, what do you want for dinner, what time will you be home, I'm going to the gym and then reading this book etc.  You get the idea.

So we changed the routine.

We laughed, we set sexual world records, we remembered WHY we married one another.  Yes, we actually do ENJOY hanging out together and we have so much to talk about.  It was amazing.  So, if you find yourself wrapped up in the day to day, stop it and change something.

• If you eat at home, go out on a dinner date
• If you eat out, create a candlelight romantic meal at home
• Leave town.  Go somewhere neither of you have been.  It doesn't have to be far, just a change.
• Each of you can take a personal day from work and spend it together
• Give away your kids to a family member and not just for one night, but for the whole weekend!  Pay them, if necessary.
• Have a contest.  This weekend, you create the romantic date, next weekend your partner does.  Who wins?  You both will, actually.
• Spend the whole day having sex as many times as is physically possible.  It's free.  It's fun.
• Be playful and remember, being together can still be exciting.  Though it can't be every single day, little breaks from the routine can remind you of the joy of your partnership.

With all of the professional seminars and groups devoted to educating executives about customer service in corporations and companies, have you ever stopped to consider the level of customer service you give in your committed relationship?  It may sound like an awkward concept because you don't get paid to take out the trash at home or to mow the lawn, but when you think about it a little more deeply, doesn't it make sense that your committed relationship should be the place you provide the highest level of service?

 

Mike Swanson, one of the key people in our wedding party, made a champagne toast at our wedding challenging my husband and me to out-perform one another in the service we provide in our relationship.  This concept affected us deeply and has become the foundation of much joy in our marriage.  It helps to dissipate any daily annoyances, creates peace and promotes our appreciation for one another.  The tasks we perform are mundane daily routine types of tasks on most days, however, when you consider the level of stress "out there" in the world, coming home to a willingly helpful partner sure makes home a lot more enjoyable and easier, it aids in making home a true sanctuary.

 

Over the next two weeks, my challenge to you is to look at how you provide service in your committed relationship and to ask yourself what more you could do.  Since you get what you give,what would you want in your ideal relationship?  How would you like to be treated and provide exactly that level of service to your partner.  It takes some time to create a habit, but once created, it can provide joy for a lifetime.

Love and Light,

Coach Kristine

ksemantel@gmail.com

720-234-0709

 

 

 

How To Meditate

You already know how to meditate.  You just need to give yourself a loving reminder.  Have you ever sat on your patio and watched the sun set and felt the peace and calm wash over you, erasing your worries?  Have you ever looked at the mountains or the ocean and been completely mesmerized and quiet?  That is meditation.  You can choose what works for you. It can be sitting in silence observing nature or you can find a quiet place in your home where you can focus on an object such as a candle flame or simply close your eyes and enjoy your own silence.It is not about being in a silent place, but being silent in yourself. Do not worry that thoughts creep into your mind.  They will.  Just observe them and allow them to move on.  Do not attach to the thought. Do not solve the problems that come up.  Simply notice them and dismiss them.

How long is long enough?  As long as it takes to feel calm and still.  It is useful for me to try not to talk too much immediately after meditation so I can hold onto the feeling of peace and stillness.  Try first by listening to your tiny voice inside describing to you your meaningful purpose in life. Do not worry if you do not hear it right away.  You will. Discovering your truth will be your greatest adventure and knowing your truth will be your greatest gift.

Love and Light,

Coach Kristine

ksemantel@gmail.com

720-234-0709

 

Rediscovering Calm

Historically,humans have spent much more time quietly contemplating rather than frantically moving.  Once our concerns were primarily about feeding ourselves and physical safety.  Our nature was quieter, more calm and more introspective.  We enjoyed the inspiration of our natural world. In our reality today, we experience the opposite.  We experience a stress encrusted lifestyle full of self-inflicted demands on our time,our minds and our bodies.  We eat quickly, drive quickly, spend most of our day indoors and then fall into bed at night, expecting our minds will slow down with us.  But the mind is in motion even after the body rests.  Most people feel they do not have the time to stop and rediscover the calm of stillness.  But, a few moments of calm each day can aid in how we respond to stress and the world around us, it can aid our sleep and reduce our stress.  We have the strength to stop for a moment and choose a response instead of a reaction.

Love and Light,

Coach Kristine

ksemantel@gmail.com

720-234-0709

 

The Art of Stillness

 

About a month ago, I experienced a "coincidence."  I had been taking a course on weight loss coaching and in that course, the instructor discussed stress and its effect on weight gain.  He explained that stress triggers cortisol and cortisol causes weight gain, especially around the middle.  He also stated only one scientifically proven method of stress control exists and that is meditation.

When registering for a yoga session online, I noticed that my yoga center offered a four week course on meditation.  Since I do not believe in coincidences, I immediately signed up for the workshop.  The spiritual leaders shared many of the reasons and methods of meditation.  The most useful to me, were the universal principles that a meditation practice can bring to the practitioner.

 

Don't Do--Just Be

Our lives are full of tasks, chores, appointments, meetings and demands. Having full schedules and never slowing down creates stress.  Meditation creates a space where the practitioner can just be.  Why is this useful?  Each of us has a tiny voice inside.  The voice speaks to us and tells us our true nature, our heart's desire, our purpose in life.  However, most of us never listen to that tiny voice long enough to receive its message.  The message is our own personal truth, our reason for existence and, ultimately, our true happiness. Humans long to know their meaningful purpose.  That is why we set goals,aim high and continually challenge ourselves.  Humans long to make their mark in the world, but most of us never stop to consider what that will be or what truly speaks to our souls.

Love and Light,

Coach Kristine

ksemantel@gmail.com

720-234-0709

Before you hang a welcome sign on your heart, have you taken a close look at your life to see if it welcomes a new partner or embraces your existing partner?  You may be ready, but have you created the space necessary for a healthy relationship?  Take a look at your planner.  How much time can you devote to your new partner?  Are there times you might become available for spontaneous dates?  New relationships do not have a routine, so they require some flexibility.

Is your home ready for a new partner to visit or sleep over?  Is it kept tidy and prepared for unexpected visits?  Do you have refreshments to offer or is the only box in your pantry cornflakes collecting dust?  In your space, it is a good idea to create the environment that attracts romance. Have a bottle of wine or other treats to offer.  Be prepared for your new love to not only arrive, but also be comfortable in your space.

Examine your bedroom.  Is it friendly for two people?  Do you have two nightstands?  Are flickering candles the feature of your bedroom or do the piles of laundry cause a fire hazard? Do you sleep on one side of the bed, creating space for your love on the other?

Tell the universe you are ready for romance by creating a sanctuary for two.

Feng Shui Tips

• Keep your home tidy and welcoming.
• Include some alternative lighting such as dim lamps or candlelight
• In your bedroom, use restful skin toned color schemes with passionate accents such as red or purple
• Keep water features out of the bedroom
• Don't hide clutter, deal with it.  You don't need the baggage
• Keep a nice bottle of wine around
• Look at your home through new eyes.  Walk in your door.  How does it feel?  What do you see?
• Carry the peace you have created with you everywhere you go.  The beauty of your sanctuary will radiate in other areas of your life.

Remember, the law of attraction and be ready for the new relationship you manifest.

Love and Light,
Coach Kristine
ksemantel@gmail.com
720-234-0709